Fat Bottomed Girls

I am about to embark on a journey I have never cared to take and quite frankly that I am afraid to take. Even as I write this, I am afraid of putting it out there for everyone to read. I am afraid of failing at this, of proving myself right in that I never finish anything I start, of losing all the comfort that food and apathy have provided me and most of all, I am afraid that I will lose my protection. My weight has shielded me from everything I thought I never wanted to deal with again since the first time my heart was truly broken. When my first real boyfriend broke up with me I gained 50 pounds and it came on FAST and with every man since, I have packed on a little more weight. Up go the walls and up goes the scale. My half-conscious thought process was “if no one finds me attractive, then I won’t have to deal with my heart being broken ever again”. The truth of the matter is that my heart breaks every single day. Every time I go to the grocery store and someone looks judgmentally at what’s in my shopping cart. Every time a group of young, skinny girls walks by me giggling under their collective breath or looks at me as if I have no place in this world and I'm taking up their precious space. Every time I have to buy clothes. Every time I have to buy a plane ticket. Every time I go to a restaurant, wondering what people must be thinking about the fat girl shoveling food into her mouth like it’s her last meal. Every time I put food in my mouth I know I don’t need but because I let it go too long in between meals or because of boredom, loneliness, happiness, self-loathing, stress, love, coping, celebrating, shame (ironic, I know, and a never-ending cycle of why I can’t lose weight), feeling judged, or whatever emotion or reason under the sun I eat all the wrong things and constantly justify why I did it. No more! I will set small, attainable goals every month and hopefully in a year or so my blood pressure will be better, my fear of going to the doctor because I don’t want to hear about how much weight I need to lose will go away, my fear of having my heart broken will dissipate, my hatred for having my picture taken because I don’t want to be reminded of how fat I am will be less (I will always hate having my picture taken no matter how skinny I am) and all of these things will make me better and the outside will align more closely with the inside. What I am asking from my friends and family is support in this. It’s going to be a long, hard road but I know I can do it with all of your help. Don’t push me, judge me, guilt me or shame me or I’ll quit. Encourage me, ask me to take a walk, don’t let me eat 4 cookies and for the love of all that’s holy, don’t let me beat myself up when I fall. Please believe in me even when I don't. So, starting out small, June is the month I will be drinking more water and cutting back on sugar. Dessert has become a daily thing and I don’t need it every day but I do need water every day. I will end this blog entry with a quote by Rumi that I find very fitting for this post...”Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Stay tuned for my monthly challenges and feel free to join in. Get on your bikes and ride!