Houston...we have a problem

About half way into the month I thought to myself “Mercury must be in retrograde” and it came as no surprise that I was right; it’s been a very weird month. I haven’t dated in 7, almost 8 years *gulp* so I started the process of getting myself back out there because I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself lately. I’m not getting any younger and I have a lot to offer someone so why not, right? I didn’t lie on my profile. I put in the details that I was full-figured. I posted pictures one of which was a full length picture so I felt like I was being honest about whom I was and if a decent man showed any interest, then great. I don’t believe that all men are pigs; if I did, I wouldn’t still believe there was someone out there for me especially after this most recent experience. This was everything I dreamed it would be...and more. *sarcastic snicker*
I knew going into this that I didn’t want to pay to put myself out there so I went on one of those free sites aaaaaaand I collected the trash that trolls on the free sites. The douchebaggery was appalling! Men that didn’t pay ANY attention to the age range I’m interested in, men that had no clue how to speak to a woman, men that just wanted to “hook up”, men that didn’t even live anywhere near Utah, men that just wanted to exchange email addresses so they could send me spam, and men that I’d exchanged phone numbers with before meeting and they were quickly inappropriate with no provocation from my side. One guy I had been texting fell asleep in between texts and after a 4 hour conversation that would’ve taken 10 minutes max if he’d actually been alert; a conversation in which I asked all the questions and he answered them but had no actual interest in getting to know me and then he, out of the blue, turns the conversation into something out of a romance novel, a very horrible romance novel...most likely written by a lumberjack. Dude, you just earned yourself a one way ticket to Blockedville. Thanks for playing...NEXT!
A lot was learned in the week and 2 days that I was on the site so thank you, universe, for those quick lessons. I will start up the online dating again but I’m going to wait until after the holidays and I’m going into it with different rules. I will be signing up for one of the paying sites to hopefully cut back on the riff-raff, shenanigans and ballyhoo of the free ones. I will really listen to who a person is when they tell me the first time and I will not give out my phone number or send pictures to someone I have not met. Tune in after the holidays if you'd like to live vicariously through me and all you married people, be grateful that you don't have to do this anymore. It blows.

The Human Torch Was Denied A Bank Loan

You get a short blog this month. Lucky you. September is pretty much a blur. I didn’t do too badly at eating clean, not great but not bad. I SUCKED at the journaling. I didn’t do it one single day and last Thursday I was glad I wasn’t doing it. Still not back on the wagon with exercising but I’m still losing weight. So, this month’s challenge I am teaming up with my cousin, Christi. She has cleverly titled it Pick Your Poison. 30 days of no soda, booze, coffee, motor oil or whatever you use as liquid refreshment that you probably shouldn’t be drinking. This will be a 30 day challenge because Halloween. Nuff said. Okay, gotta run. Crime to stop.

Whine and cheese party

What in THE hell was that?!?! Hi, my name is Jennifer and apparently I’m a carbaholic. It was a real eye opener to me how easy it is to consume carbs and not even think about it. I’m one of the lucky ones who isn’t intolerant of carbs so I’m not in pain for days after eating them. If I were, I might not have slacked as badly as I did. Pho is my weakness and it has rice noodles. Pretty sure they’re not brown rice noodles. Sushi isn’t made with brown rice. Indian food isn’t served with brown rice. When you go to a barbecue, most people use buns for their burgers. It would have taken extra thought on my part to make myself a burger with lettuce instead of a bun and apparently that day I had used all of my mind powers on making a healthy quinoa salad, which by the way was amazeballz, so I couldn’t brain anymore.
As Nurse Jackie so eloquently put it, “easy with this new lease on life; this shit is hard to maintain.” Man, was she right?!?! This month has been really hard. Half way into August, the 2 year old Jennifer threw a tantrum but the 41 year old Jennifer suffered the consequences. I’ve been eating all the wrong food and about the same time I became really frustrated with the exercise portion of my plan that has become half-assed since the “sitting-down-and-crying-out-of-frustration-on-the-grass-behind-Harmon’s” incident a week prior. Where my frustration comes in is that since I incorporated exercise into this plan I haven’t lost any more weight than I did when I wasn’t exercising. I’ve lost 10 lbs since I started 12 weeks ago and excuse me for not being over the moon about it but I’m not. I get that it’s still progress in the right direction and that I didn’t start this program for a number on the scale but it’s frustrating as hell to put all of that work into it, miss out on social activities with my friends and family because I’m trying to stay dedicated and have it not even make a dent in my weight loss. I hope my excitement for this comes back soon but for right now, I’m going to piss and moan about it but I will keep doing it.
So, my challenge for September is inspired by the wellness program that I do not participate in at work because I’m sticking it to The Man. This is a two part challenge.
Clean Your Diet. Eating clean is a way of eating that stresses healthy, whole foods and relies less on packaged, heavily processed products. Eating wholesome, natural foods (like fruits, vegetables, whole grains and lean proteins) promotes good health and maximizes energy. In the Clean Your Diet challenge you’re encouraged to eat at least one clean meal or snack each day. A clean meal or snack means they contain healthy, natural ingredients.
Journaling Your Food. Whether you keep track of your food on paper or through an online or mobile app, being aware of what and how much you’re eating can help you know where to make healthier choices.
How the challenge will work: 2 points for eating a healthy meal (2 points max per day), 1 point for journaling your food and 2 points if you eat clean all day for a total potential of 5 points per day. Whoever gets the most points at the end of the month will get a prize from yours truly. I’m not quite sure what that will be yet but I just shaved my cat and still have the bag of fur so it MIGHT be a sweater knitted by me (I guess I need to learn how to knit) or maybe some of the homemade vick’s vapo rub I’ve made or maybe the half eaten bag of peanut m & m’s that still taunt me even though I’ve hidden them. I’ll set up an event on Facebook to help out with motivation and support so feel free to join in if you’d like. Good luck and stay classy.

Eye of the Tiger

OMG! I didn’t die! So, my July challenge was to add 500 steps per week 5 days per week. I was already averaging 6800 steps so by the end of the month I should be up to 8800 steps per day on average. I killed it the first couple of days getting 10,473 steps in. I didn’t get all of my steps in everyday and I didn’t go on my walk every single day but the point is that I’m out there the 5 days a week that I’ve set as my goal, moving, strengthening my body and mind and conquering excuses that I’ve allowed myself to believe for years. The first time I got on the dreadmill it took me 45 minutes to get ¾ of a mile in. This last Monday I went 2-1/2 miles in 45 minutes. No stopping to rest or catch my breath. I’m even hiking once a week with a friend. What? Yeah, I said it. I’m a hiker. It was a rough go the first few days getting past the heat excuse but I got past it and then there was the mosquito excuse and I got past that. I have West Nile now but it’s cool. Just kidding. Anyway, I know that once I’m done with my walk I feel so much better and it’s now become something that I mentally have to do. I’ve had a lot of support from friends and not surprising, not a single enabler in my life. In fact, it’s been quite the opposite. Lots of friends joining me on my walks, making healthy meals for me, no one has ever tried to sway me from my good eating habits, people asking me how I’m doing with my new lifestyle. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I really have to say I’m enjoying the social aspect of exercising. I’ve connected with people that I never would have suspected and some that I knew the friendship was there but I was too afraid to pursue it because of my own insecurities. It’s weird being an adult and making new friends.
With all of the July birthdays, including my own, there has been a lot to celebrate so in August I am recommitting myself to my healthy lifestyle. I’ve let it slide more than I should have but I will be getting myself back on track because now that I’ve started to go back to some of my old habits with these parties, I’ve seen my old life and that is no place I want to be. No wonder I was miserable. I don’t feel well when I don’t eat well.
I believe being healthy means being balanced in all aspects of life so this month I will be doing something a little different. I have two challenges this month. Since I’ve made and almost succeeded in the physical department of being well-rounded *chuckle* (yeah, that was a fat joke), I think I’ll give it a whirl in the mental department. I’ve been painting my fingernails the last couple of weeks. It’s such a small thing but it makes me feel good about myself. I’ve made myself invisible the past 10 years by not really caring enough about my physical appearance to do any of those girly things but I remembered how getting my nails done used to make me feel so every Sunday night is my night to pamper myself. I can’t afford to have them professionally done anymore but painting them is just as much of a pick me up.
My first August challenge is to do something for yourself that makes you feel good about you. Come over to my place and I’ll paint your nails for you. We can watch Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead and have a glass of whatever your beverage of choice is and I promise I won’t judge you if it’s a carbonated, sugary, high fructose corn syrupy, GMO filled, caffeine laced cup of whatever it is that you kids are drinking these days. Just don’t judge me for putting anti-freeze in my water. It’s purple, it’s pretty and it tastes good.
My second August challenge is to remove white carbs from my diet. No white rice, white bread or pasta unless it’s whole grain. This probably won’t be too difficult for me because I prefer brown rice and whole grain bread anyway but it never hurts to be more conscious about what I’m eating. Oh! I almost forgot…I lost 4 pounds this month. BAM!

Progress report/July challenge

I want to start this blog entry off with a giant thank you to all of you. You have kept me going with your words of encouragement, your advice, the articles, the recipes, MY NEW FITBIT FROM ONE OF MY BESTIES. (Yes, I’m 40 and I say “besties”.) I digress, so this Fitbit…OMG it is SSSSOOOOO amazing! For those of you who don’t know what it is (I didn’t) it’s a wrist band that tracks your steps, your sleep, keeps track of your water, calories eaten and burned and a plethora of other things, if you so choose. The first night I took 200 steps in my sleep. I’m going to have this “steps” thing nailed so fast. I just need to quit my job and stay focused on sleeping. Yeah, probably not a good idea so instead, I won’t be wearing it while I sleep. I can see how motivational it will be now that I have figured it out a little better. Thank you, Jaelene. Above and beyond, as per usual. I would’ve settled for a motivational quote on my Facebook wall but I am VERY much appreciative of it and I promise I will abuse the ever loving hell out of it. 

So, the first week of Operation Self-Improvement was HARD. I was drinking water, had cut out sugar almost completely. I was still motivated but then it hit me…the sugar detox. I made brownies 6 days after I started this JUST so I could smell them. I didn’t touch them, just smelled them. I got to work the next day and I was a raging B***H. Mercury was in retrograde, it was Friday the 13th, there was going to be a full moon that night and my hormones were on that day where if I hadn’t cut sugar, I would have been eating everything in sight and never been satisfied. It was like that skit from SNL with Chris Farley, Adam Sandler & David Spade. You know the one I’m talking about. If not, here’s a quick clip of it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBbuE8cgJi8 Trust me, I was WAY worse! My friends gently reminded me that I didn’t have to completely cut anything out of my diet, just don’t go home and eat that whole pan of brownies. Maybe a piece, not an 8” square piece, but just a small piece and have a protein afterwards so I don’t sugar crash. 

That weekend I decided I needed to rethink my strategy. So, I made the goals I set for myself the week prior more specific. Drink more water. Since I hate water, anything I was drinking was more but I needed a more specific goal. So, half a gallon for right now and we’ll make it more when I get up to that. Now I’m up to around a gallon a day. Next goal: cut back on sugar. To me, this meant being more prepared with my meals and my snacks. I didn’t want to leave temptation’s door open for me to have easy access to make poor choices when I reached the proverbial “discouraged” phase of this process so I detoxed my cupboards, pantry, fridge and freezer of most of the processed foods and sweets. I went to the grocery store and picked out things I knew I would look forward to eating but were still nutritious. I made my own trail mix WITHOUT M&M’s, I bought fruits and vegetables, whole grain bread, organic almond butter with flax seed, made my own almond butter when I decided I wasn’t satisfied with the ingredients in the almond butter I purchased (thank you Donny), learned that I like yogurt more than I thought I did, and I still don’t love bananas but I tried. And I will continue to try things I thought I didn’t like and things I’ve never tried because if I’ve learned anything this past month it’s that I’ve been surprised by a lot. 

One of the 2 goals I set was exceeded and in my quest to cut sugar, I also incorporated eating breakfast into my new plan; something I haven’t done since before I was in high school. Portion control just came with the territory of eating regular meals. It’s been a real eye opener for me to see the difference in how I felt before these changes in comparison to how I feel now that I’m eating small, regular meals that aren’t loaded with sugar, carbs, grease and laziness. I had several friends ask me a couple of weeks into my changes if I had noticed any difference in my energy level. Honestly, at that point I hadn’t and I told them that but it wasn’t a couple of days later that I was sitting at my desk about an hour after lunch and I was thinking to myself “hmmmm, this is the time that I would normally be feeling like a steaming pile of dog crap” and I didn’t. I felt great! Once I got over the initial hump of the sugar revolution, it isn’t as much of a temptation as it used to be. I can now walk by the receptionist’s desk and not grab a heaping handful of mini eggs. I used to be the first one up at the sign of a vendor bringing in donuts. Now they could sit there all day and I don’t feel badly that they are being eaten by someone else but things are about to get harder... 

Queue ominous background music. Exercise. Let’s put this Fitbit to some good use instead of just using it to track my water intake. So, after having this thing for about a week and doing what I usually do, my average is about 6800 steps per day. I didn’t include weekends in on this average. Weekends are hard and I don’t get as many steps in. One thing at a time though so I don’t give up, my July challenge is to add 500 steps per week this month and do it 5 days a week. The health benefits of walking are phenomenal! It reduces blood pressure and blood sugars. It reduces the risk of coronary disease. It reduces the risk of breast and colon cancer. My maternal grandmother had a pace maker. Both of my grandfathers had diabetes and one of them died from the complications of his. My paternal grandmother had breast cancer. So, I have a family history of some pretty major health problems, I’m overweight, I already have high blood pressure and if I’m not diabetic or pre-diabetic, it’s a miracle and something that I’d for sure like to reverse/avoid. I know I won’t exercise around my apartment complex, it’s just too busy and it would stress me out. I need quiet. So, I will be walking weeknights at an undisclosed location so put your binoculars and your night vision goggles away boys. I chose this place because it’s quiet and peaceful and level and close to where I live because if I have to walk hills or drive farther than a mile, I won’t do it. It’s time to put my money where my mouth is. See y’all next month, if I don’t die.

Fat Bottomed Girls

I am about to embark on a journey I have never cared to take and quite frankly that I am afraid to take. Even as I write this, I am afraid of putting it out there for everyone to read. I am afraid of failing at this, of proving myself right in that I never finish anything I start, of losing all the comfort that food and apathy have provided me and most of all, I am afraid that I will lose my protection. My weight has shielded me from everything I thought I never wanted to deal with again since the first time my heart was truly broken. When my first real boyfriend broke up with me I gained 50 pounds and it came on FAST and with every man since, I have packed on a little more weight. Up go the walls and up goes the scale. My half-conscious thought process was “if no one finds me attractive, then I won’t have to deal with my heart being broken ever again”. The truth of the matter is that my heart breaks every single day. Every time I go to the grocery store and someone looks judgmentally at what’s in my shopping cart. Every time a group of young, skinny girls walks by me giggling under their collective breath or looks at me as if I have no place in this world and I'm taking up their precious space. Every time I have to buy clothes. Every time I have to buy a plane ticket. Every time I go to a restaurant, wondering what people must be thinking about the fat girl shoveling food into her mouth like it’s her last meal. Every time I put food in my mouth I know I don’t need but because I let it go too long in between meals or because of boredom, loneliness, happiness, self-loathing, stress, love, coping, celebrating, shame (ironic, I know, and a never-ending cycle of why I can’t lose weight), feeling judged, or whatever emotion or reason under the sun I eat all the wrong things and constantly justify why I did it. No more! I will set small, attainable goals every month and hopefully in a year or so my blood pressure will be better, my fear of going to the doctor because I don’t want to hear about how much weight I need to lose will go away, my fear of having my heart broken will dissipate, my hatred for having my picture taken because I don’t want to be reminded of how fat I am will be less (I will always hate having my picture taken no matter how skinny I am) and all of these things will make me better and the outside will align more closely with the inside. What I am asking from my friends and family is support in this. It’s going to be a long, hard road but I know I can do it with all of your help. Don’t push me, judge me, guilt me or shame me or I’ll quit. Encourage me, ask me to take a walk, don’t let me eat 4 cookies and for the love of all that’s holy, don’t let me beat myself up when I fall. Please believe in me even when I don't. So, starting out small, June is the month I will be drinking more water and cutting back on sugar. Dessert has become a daily thing and I don’t need it every day but I do need water every day. I will end this blog entry with a quote by Rumi that I find very fitting for this post...”Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Stay tuned for my monthly challenges and feel free to join in. Get on your bikes and ride!