Progress report/July challenge

I want to start this blog entry off with a giant thank you to all of you. You have kept me going with your words of encouragement, your advice, the articles, the recipes, MY NEW FITBIT FROM ONE OF MY BESTIES. (Yes, I’m 40 and I say “besties”.) I digress, so this Fitbit…OMG it is SSSSOOOOO amazing! For those of you who don’t know what it is (I didn’t) it’s a wrist band that tracks your steps, your sleep, keeps track of your water, calories eaten and burned and a plethora of other things, if you so choose. The first night I took 200 steps in my sleep. I’m going to have this “steps” thing nailed so fast. I just need to quit my job and stay focused on sleeping. Yeah, probably not a good idea so instead, I won’t be wearing it while I sleep. I can see how motivational it will be now that I have figured it out a little better. Thank you, Jaelene. Above and beyond, as per usual. I would’ve settled for a motivational quote on my Facebook wall but I am VERY much appreciative of it and I promise I will abuse the ever loving hell out of it. 

So, the first week of Operation Self-Improvement was HARD. I was drinking water, had cut out sugar almost completely. I was still motivated but then it hit me…the sugar detox. I made brownies 6 days after I started this JUST so I could smell them. I didn’t touch them, just smelled them. I got to work the next day and I was a raging B***H. Mercury was in retrograde, it was Friday the 13th, there was going to be a full moon that night and my hormones were on that day where if I hadn’t cut sugar, I would have been eating everything in sight and never been satisfied. It was like that skit from SNL with Chris Farley, Adam Sandler & David Spade. You know the one I’m talking about. If not, here’s a quick clip of it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBbuE8cgJi8 Trust me, I was WAY worse! My friends gently reminded me that I didn’t have to completely cut anything out of my diet, just don’t go home and eat that whole pan of brownies. Maybe a piece, not an 8” square piece, but just a small piece and have a protein afterwards so I don’t sugar crash. 

That weekend I decided I needed to rethink my strategy. So, I made the goals I set for myself the week prior more specific. Drink more water. Since I hate water, anything I was drinking was more but I needed a more specific goal. So, half a gallon for right now and we’ll make it more when I get up to that. Now I’m up to around a gallon a day. Next goal: cut back on sugar. To me, this meant being more prepared with my meals and my snacks. I didn’t want to leave temptation’s door open for me to have easy access to make poor choices when I reached the proverbial “discouraged” phase of this process so I detoxed my cupboards, pantry, fridge and freezer of most of the processed foods and sweets. I went to the grocery store and picked out things I knew I would look forward to eating but were still nutritious. I made my own trail mix WITHOUT M&M’s, I bought fruits and vegetables, whole grain bread, organic almond butter with flax seed, made my own almond butter when I decided I wasn’t satisfied with the ingredients in the almond butter I purchased (thank you Donny), learned that I like yogurt more than I thought I did, and I still don’t love bananas but I tried. And I will continue to try things I thought I didn’t like and things I’ve never tried because if I’ve learned anything this past month it’s that I’ve been surprised by a lot. 

One of the 2 goals I set was exceeded and in my quest to cut sugar, I also incorporated eating breakfast into my new plan; something I haven’t done since before I was in high school. Portion control just came with the territory of eating regular meals. It’s been a real eye opener for me to see the difference in how I felt before these changes in comparison to how I feel now that I’m eating small, regular meals that aren’t loaded with sugar, carbs, grease and laziness. I had several friends ask me a couple of weeks into my changes if I had noticed any difference in my energy level. Honestly, at that point I hadn’t and I told them that but it wasn’t a couple of days later that I was sitting at my desk about an hour after lunch and I was thinking to myself “hmmmm, this is the time that I would normally be feeling like a steaming pile of dog crap” and I didn’t. I felt great! Once I got over the initial hump of the sugar revolution, it isn’t as much of a temptation as it used to be. I can now walk by the receptionist’s desk and not grab a heaping handful of mini eggs. I used to be the first one up at the sign of a vendor bringing in donuts. Now they could sit there all day and I don’t feel badly that they are being eaten by someone else but things are about to get harder... 

Queue ominous background music. Exercise. Let’s put this Fitbit to some good use instead of just using it to track my water intake. So, after having this thing for about a week and doing what I usually do, my average is about 6800 steps per day. I didn’t include weekends in on this average. Weekends are hard and I don’t get as many steps in. One thing at a time though so I don’t give up, my July challenge is to add 500 steps per week this month and do it 5 days a week. The health benefits of walking are phenomenal! It reduces blood pressure and blood sugars. It reduces the risk of coronary disease. It reduces the risk of breast and colon cancer. My maternal grandmother had a pace maker. Both of my grandfathers had diabetes and one of them died from the complications of his. My paternal grandmother had breast cancer. So, I have a family history of some pretty major health problems, I’m overweight, I already have high blood pressure and if I’m not diabetic or pre-diabetic, it’s a miracle and something that I’d for sure like to reverse/avoid. I know I won’t exercise around my apartment complex, it’s just too busy and it would stress me out. I need quiet. So, I will be walking weeknights at an undisclosed location so put your binoculars and your night vision goggles away boys. I chose this place because it’s quiet and peaceful and level and close to where I live because if I have to walk hills or drive farther than a mile, I won’t do it. It’s time to put my money where my mouth is. See y’all next month, if I don’t die.

Fat Bottomed Girls

I am about to embark on a journey I have never cared to take and quite frankly that I am afraid to take. Even as I write this, I am afraid of putting it out there for everyone to read. I am afraid of failing at this, of proving myself right in that I never finish anything I start, of losing all the comfort that food and apathy have provided me and most of all, I am afraid that I will lose my protection. My weight has shielded me from everything I thought I never wanted to deal with again since the first time my heart was truly broken. When my first real boyfriend broke up with me I gained 50 pounds and it came on FAST and with every man since, I have packed on a little more weight. Up go the walls and up goes the scale. My half-conscious thought process was “if no one finds me attractive, then I won’t have to deal with my heart being broken ever again”. The truth of the matter is that my heart breaks every single day. Every time I go to the grocery store and someone looks judgmentally at what’s in my shopping cart. Every time a group of young, skinny girls walks by me giggling under their collective breath or looks at me as if I have no place in this world and I'm taking up their precious space. Every time I have to buy clothes. Every time I have to buy a plane ticket. Every time I go to a restaurant, wondering what people must be thinking about the fat girl shoveling food into her mouth like it’s her last meal. Every time I put food in my mouth I know I don’t need but because I let it go too long in between meals or because of boredom, loneliness, happiness, self-loathing, stress, love, coping, celebrating, shame (ironic, I know, and a never-ending cycle of why I can’t lose weight), feeling judged, or whatever emotion or reason under the sun I eat all the wrong things and constantly justify why I did it. No more! I will set small, attainable goals every month and hopefully in a year or so my blood pressure will be better, my fear of going to the doctor because I don’t want to hear about how much weight I need to lose will go away, my fear of having my heart broken will dissipate, my hatred for having my picture taken because I don’t want to be reminded of how fat I am will be less (I will always hate having my picture taken no matter how skinny I am) and all of these things will make me better and the outside will align more closely with the inside. What I am asking from my friends and family is support in this. It’s going to be a long, hard road but I know I can do it with all of your help. Don’t push me, judge me, guilt me or shame me or I’ll quit. Encourage me, ask me to take a walk, don’t let me eat 4 cookies and for the love of all that’s holy, don’t let me beat myself up when I fall. Please believe in me even when I don't. So, starting out small, June is the month I will be drinking more water and cutting back on sugar. Dessert has become a daily thing and I don’t need it every day but I do need water every day. I will end this blog entry with a quote by Rumi that I find very fitting for this post...”Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Stay tuned for my monthly challenges and feel free to join in. Get on your bikes and ride!